Seriously though, this is what break glass accounts are for. Create an account that can access your backups (preferably only the backup system) with a really long password and keep it offline in a safe place. Like a safe. Set up alerting if the break glass account ever gets used.

Mklinux. It was the only thing you could run on one of those jank-ass PowerPC/nubus Macs.

Scribus has really good PDF support. It’s a full desktop publishing program (like InDesign), so it might not be the best for quick conversions. It does a really good job of PDF forms though.